Principles for ‘holding space’ in coaching and consulting

I hold space for a living – both one to one and for groups. Very simply, holding space can be defined as being fully present for someone, emotionally, mentally and physically. Offering them the opportunity to be fully seen and heard, and to be met with curiosity, empathy and compassion instead of judgement, advice or direction.

There are certain principles I have found extremely helpful to keep in mind over the years, particularly when a coachee, group or team is grappling with complexity and uncertainty. Today I’d like to share these principles with you. Regardless of your role, I hope there’s something in here that will be useful to reflect on, experiment with and find your own way of deploying.

Never underestimate the power of reflective listening – or listening, full stop.

I am very lucky to be surrounded by some seriously wise, kind and skilled coaches, facilitators and therapists in my life. Most if not all of my closest friends have been trained in how to hold space, and I think I can take for granted what a gift it is to be deeply listened to, and to have somebody reflect back what they are hearing you say. Sometimes I think that this is so simple and obvious that it can’t be that valuable, and so don’t do it. It’s not that I forget; it’s more that I overlook its value. My note to self today is that the basics are powerful and to stop trying to be so clever and to simply listen, and tell the person in front of me what I am hearing them say.

Your job isn’t to understand about their life; it’s to help them understand more about how they think, feel and make sense of their life.

I noticed today that some detail wasn’t clear to me about a story the woman I was coaching told me but caught myself before asking for clarification, because it was irrelevant to the work we were doing. I typically find in coaching that I don’t need to understand the intricate details of someone’s job. If seeking clarity about details, enquire to yourself what the purpose of knowing this information is. If it’s simply so that you feel more ‘in the know’, pause and reflect on whether that’s really needed. Be willing to be uncomfortable with knowing less than your coachee.

Don’t jump straight to offering an alternative perspective. Help them find a different way of seeing things for themselves.

As an outsider, we are much more easily able to find a different point of view or angle on what’s happening in someone’s life. There are absolutely times when someone gets so entrenched in their version of events that getting another person’s input can be invaluable; however, as a coach I generally kick myself if I offer a perspective without inviting the person I’m coaching to look for a different perspective themselves first. Sometimes, of course, I’ll offer a different perspective first, to help open the possibilities up, but I do generally feel that the coaching is more powerful when I bite my tongue and invite (or challenge!) them to do it for themselves. It’s not easy to look at things through a different lens, but personally, I find it enormously valuable. It builds certain muscles in those of us who have a propensity to look at things in a black and white, two-dimensional way. I also sense that finding an alternative narrative for yourself, rather than having someone spoon feed it to you, turns over the metaphorical soil into which this new story is going to take root. You wouldn’t stick a plant into crappy earth if you wanted it to thrive; as coaches, I think we have a responsibility to help the people we coach find and connect to a version of their story that supports and empowers them. What I’m saying is, don’t rescue someone from the task of ‘rescuing’ themselves.

Metaphors are powerful. Use them.

We are all so creative, even those of us who insist we aren’t, and our language is bursting with metaphor, imagery and analogies. Metaphors are powerful. They help us make sense of who we are and what is happening in our lives. Invite the person you are coaching to find a metaphor to describe what it’s like to be in the situation they’re in. What does this season or chapter of their life feel like? Are they a little boat being whipped about on a big, turbulent ocean? Is it like climbing a mountain? Fighting a bear? Skating on thin ice? Facing a foggy void in the middle of a dark and scary forest? Being on a train knowing you’re going somewhere fabulous but not knowing where? Once the metaphor has been named, you can do so much with it. You can explore all the different elements, find out what was happening before, what three possible outcomes could be, explore the various senses and see which elements are the most vivid, and so on. I love metaphors. They help us make sense of our lives.

Be fully present.

It goes without saying, but your fully attentive presence is such a gift. I’ve heard that when you meet with His Holiness the Dalai Lama, he looks at you and is with you as if you were the only person in the room. Amma is a bit like that too; when she is hugging you, it’s like there is no one else there, just you. Bringing your whole self to the conversation feels good, and it serves the person in front of you. Who wants to open up to someone who is distracted or who looks like they’ve got something or someone else on their mind? Being fully present can also lift you out of whatever shit or stress might be going on in your own life. As they say in twelve step recovery, being of service gets you out of your own way. I certainly experienced that today – a situation that has been preoccupying me for weeks was, for those sixty minutes, completely and utterly out of my mind.

Be kind and curious.

Don’t assume you know what something means to someone going through it. Their experience is not your experience. Be kind in your assessment of the situation, and curious about it all.

Be a container.

Your role is to offer containment – a literal or virtual safe space for the person you’re coaching to unburden themselves and work out what they think and feel about what’s happening in their lives. I once heard the phrase, “Be bigger than the room.” I like that. It’s a reminder to not get caught up in the drama, and to see the bigger picture. You don’t do this at the cost of holding space for the person. You do this while offering them a space where they can completely let go, where they can be held by someone safe and trustworthy – you.

Be human. Express your honest response to situations that feel difficult. But also be careful with your words.

I don’t think it’s always helpful to be terminally neutral about the difficult situation your coachee is going through. If something sounds like it’s difficult, stressful or painful, voice that. You can voice it in a way that makes it a point for discussion, not an assessment or point of analysis. “That sounds difficult… is it?” Remember though, this isn’t about you, so be prepared for the person to push back. I have often felt a measure of embarrassment when someone has said, “Actually, no, it’s fine,” but that’s actually a good thing! It means that they know who they are and what they’re experiencing. Either that or they’re in denial, in which case, some gentle probing and challenge can be immensely useful! However, be careful with the words you use to label things. You’re likely seen as an expert, maybe even someone with a measure of authority, and the words you say can stick with people. This doesn’t mean you should censor yourself or tread on eggshells; just consider whether to name something before naming it. Don’t barge in and voice every thought that crosses your mind.

Remember what your job is – and what it’s not. Your job is to hold the space, not provide the answers.

To remember what the person in front of you might have forgotten about themselves: that they are creative, resourceful, whole, loveable, skilled, deserving of respect and resilient. To sit with rather than rush along. To see and hear them without an agenda. To support them to develop their relationship with themselves, not to give them whatever it is they fear they lack (or in some cases, actually lack – people do come to coaching with deficits in our skill sets, sometimes. Our job as the coach is not to do for people what is theirs to do for themselves.) To cheerlead and challenge. To support, and to remind them to self-support. Our job, in many ways, is to love. To love and accept the person who is in front of us without agreeing with the versions of themselves they present that result in them ripping themselves off. This is intangible yet palpable work: you cannot touch it, but you can sense it when it’s happening. This is, to use Khalil Gibran’s words, love made visible through our work.

Now I’d love to hear from you. Which of these spoke to you? Share below or join me over on LinkedIn.

(Photo by Ander Burdain on Unsplash. Thank you.)